It was my first year of seminary and about 2 weeks into classes when I had my very first anxiety attack. I’ll never forget it - I was sitting next to the window in a huge classroom that had about 50 people in it when all of a sudden my chest started to pound, my back started to sweat, and the room felt like it was closing in on me.
Was I dying?
Was this a Satanic attack?
Was I just tired?
Was I getting sick?
I had no idea, but after it kept happening day after day after day I finally went to the doctor and realized that I was having anxiety attacks that were being triggered by a ton of baggage I was carrying.
Baggage?
My parents were in the midst of a divorce and life was quickly changing and would never again be the same on top of a full course load in a Master’s Program I didn’t think I was equipped or good enough to be in. Oh, and I was 22 and had no idea what I was going to do with my life.
Would I be a pastor?
Work retail forever?
Write?
What can you do with a Master’s of Divinity, anyways?
🤷♂️
Looking back over my life, that was one of my darkest seasons. At times it felt like I was spiraling out of control, like no one could possibly understand what I was going through or how I was feeling. Some days I was happy, other days I was angry, and most days I was confused … every day I was exhausted.
The thing that struck me in my conversation with Diana is the importance of “companionship” and knowing that you’re not alone in the darkness that you feel.
Right?
I think the hard times are all the more difficult to trudge through when it feels like no one understands us. However, the moment someone comes alongside and says, “yeah. Me too. I’ve been there. I am there." … I don’t know, but the clouds seem to break and light somehow seems to seep through and warm up the coldness that surrounds us.
Companionship is key and, I admit, I tend to shy away from it. Why? I don't know. Part of me has trust issues, I let very few people into my inner circle. I’m also an introvert and so I do some of my best work, thinking, processing, etc. when I’m by myself. Don’t get me wrong - I love people. I wouldn’t do this podcast if I didn’t; but because of the way I’m wired and because of the trust issues I carry, it’s super easy for me to go into my cave when I’m hit with depression, doubt, anxiety, etc.
“I’ll just go into my cave and figure this out.”
“I don’t need any help.”
“I don’t want any help!”
“Just leave me alone, let me be.”
And although there’s a sense where I need to do this because it is the way I’m wired and it is what works well for me, it’s also true that it makes it all too easy for me to excuse the importance of companionship, which often makes me feel …
More alone.
More isolated.
More sad.
More depressed.
More anxious.
… And so my point is that if you’re in a place of depression and anxiety and you’re doubting yourself and God and everything about your life, don’t go at it alone.
Please.
If you’re an introvert, yeah - do your introvert thing, and make sure you get plenty of YOU time, but remember that the YOU time that you need doesn’t override the companionship that you also need.
Your mind might need time to be alone, but your heart needs to know it’s not alone.
It’s hard to find companionship these days, though, I get it. We’re in the midst of a pandemic and who knows when or if life will go back to normal anytime soon. And so although I can’t magically make it all go away, what I can do is offer you 2 things:
AND.
The Facebook Group is open to everyone - it’s a place where we dialogue about life and faith and God and questions and doubts and resources and all sorts of things. And the Marco Polo Group is for $12/month and higher Patrons, but I’m happy to waive that for anyone who is truly hungry for community. Marco Polo lets us shoot videos back and forth to one another so that we can dialogue and converse with people who live in various parts of the world.
And so if you want in on Marco Polo visit the Patreon page to sign up or if money is tight, just email me at whatifproject.net@gmail.com and I’ll make sure you get added. And for the Facebook page, just go join and jump in. Both are closed places and so what happens in those places stays in those places - they are safe, welcoming, affirming, and full of acceptance of who you are and wherever you are on the journey.
Hope to see you in one or both places soon!
Peace.
Glenn
Every year Peter Rollins does a virtual course for Lent called “Atheism for Lent” where he takes students through a process of studying the critiques that Atheism has of Christianity not so that we can judge those critiques, but so that those critiques can judge us.
It is SO. GOOD.
HERE is the link to learn more. I recorded an episode with Pete that will drop on Monday and I’m excited to announce that I’ll be partnering with him to give away THREE tickets to the course.
Yes, THREE FREE TICKETS!
Want a shot at winning? Click THIS link to learn all the details!
Good luck!
✌️